Hang on! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

I've been sitting on this blog post for a few weeks, unsure where to begin and having no clue how to make my feelings positive and glorifying.  I've been so bitter, angry, torn, and a thousand forms of devastated these last few weeks that I just wanted to keep those unattractive feelings to myself.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem very pretty to be that real.  I wanted to deliver a form of myself that was so optimistic and sure, that I would have been lying to everyone.

We got the call weeks ago. Well, really it started with an email from our social worker.  It might as well have read "we need to talk" because it's intentions to deliver less than satisfying news was more than obvious.  The email was delivered on Monday, but the call wasn't until Thursday.  Talk about 4 days of self-agnozing torture!  I tried to convince myself that the news was actually going to be good, maybe even great.  But, my natural pessimitic tendencies left me nervous, confused, and scared.

The call came at 3:30pm on Thursday afternoon.  Ryan was still at work and I was just getting off, so our social worker and Bulgarian point person had to conference us in separately.  I so wish I could have made this call looking at his face - it would have helped me stay calm.  But, alas, I was in my car, alone. 

Basically, to turn a 45 minute phone call into a reasonable post, here's the gist - our adoption has been put on hold until February.

After some questions, pleading, emails, and tears, we've accepted that there is nothing we can do about it.  We shared our concerns, and asked for a list of theirs.  We researched and we prayed.  I can honestly tell you I am still not completely at peace with their decision - I don't know if I ever will be.  But, what I have learned is that adoption takes a whole lot more trust that I expected.  It takes more blind leaps of faith than I ever thought I would have to jump.
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I was angry, and I was confused.  I was shocked, and I was devastated.  I honestly felt as if I had just lost a child.  You are asked to invest everything into the thoughts of a child you've never met.  You follow the rules, the protocal, the guidelines.  You keep up with the fees, the interviews, the classes, and the paperwork.  You start imagining life with this child without a face.  I had even found, through other contacts, children (yes - a sibling group!) that I wanted to inquire about.  That didn't help... I just kept seeing their faces.

Your heart gives them a name, though your mouth doesn't know it.  Your house becomes their home.  You've already become their parents, in the most figurative sense.  And then, people make a decision for your family that tells you to just stop.  When you are running full speed ahead, and then someone puts on the brakes, it's a little tough to recover.  It broke (and still breaks) my heart to imagine our child having to sit in an orphange for a day, let alone 9 months more.  The horribly long timeline just got lengthier and there's nothing you can do between now and then to speed it up.  You are told to just wait.
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Well, there's the super raw and vulnerable "4 weeks ago" me.  That "me" sometimes comes to visit, but I try to encourage her to move along quickly.  She's not very good for team morale.

I really didn't think I would ever want to write this blog.  Even though I know you deserve to know (after all, you're our village!), but there's always a part of everyone that never wants to share the broken pieces.  I didn't want to share that our beautiful adoption story took an unwanted and unplanned turn.  I didn't want to share that I was angry.  I didn't want to share that I was mad at God and felt like He was making a mistake.  I didn't want to share that I was selfishly worried more about my image than I wanted to admit.

But, in all my broken pieces and all my fallen tears, in feeling the loss of a child I don't yet know, God is starting to make me whole again.  I mean, who can be put back together by the grace of God if you haven't been torn apart?  If you haven't sunk to the depths of your own selfish desires and unwanted emotions, how do you ever know that you need to be built back up?

At church this week, Kyle (yes, KYLE!) reminded me of a verse that pretty much sums it up.

But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
- Jeremiah 18:4

My plans were perfect.  I mean, aren't they always? ha.  But, when those plans are haulted and put on hold, I broke.  My pot was marred, and so was I.  Couldn't make anything pretty out of me - that's nearly impossible with all the anger I was flinging.  I mean, you read how I felt!  Talk about positive thinking...

But, my potter is making it new.  Although I can't see what it'll look like yet, or how long it'll take to finish, I know it will be beautiful.  I know our story and our family are being made new.  Through that redemption will emerge a family, stitched together while living worlds apart.  God is preparing our hearts and our home for another member in the next coming years.  With our eyes on Him and our slew of broken pieces, our story will be exactly as it should.

And now, I can honestly tell you I am being put back together.  I still have my sad days where I wish I was dealing with paperwork and immigration fees, but they're very much outnumbered by the brighter days.  I still don't understand, but that's okay.  I honestly believe that the agency made the best choice for our family with the information they possessed.  I am trusting, trusting, trusting in the Lord's timing, since it's obviously not what I thought it would be.  I'm praying that He prepare our child's heart for us and that He mold us into their parents while we wait.  For, in the broken silence, we are being made new.

So, we are just living life as we wait.  We are preparing our home and our hearts for our first biological child, due in August, as we continue to wait for the green light to move ahead with our adoption.  We have one more interview (and a few details that we'll have to re-do in February) before we can send our paperwork to the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria.  We are so excited to get back up and running - we've been in the adoption process for almost a year, so it seems unnatural to be waiting by!  We are so thankful that we are being blessed with 2 children who will each have their own story to share.  We are so excited to be building our family, and so thankful that the Lord is guiding our steps.  Be ready to hear more in February as we start up our process again!  We can't wait to update you on how things are going next winter/spring.  Thank you for being our village and for embarking on our adoption journey with us.  Thank you for being patient with us and for supporting us through the twists and turns of the unknown.  Your love and prayers are such a blessing to us!

Thankful doesn't quite cut it.

To say we are thankful isn't enough.  I don't think there is a word in English to fully describe how we are feeling right now.  But, for linguistic sake, we'll use "thankful".

-We are so very thankful for each of your prayers, thoughts, love, and support.  It truly does take a village, and we really really love ours :)

-We are so very thankful for God's provision.  He has truly shown me that to trust means to TRUST and He has led us in faith as we follow His calling on our hearts.  He is truly amazing and worthy of all our praise.

-We are so very thankful for the wonderful fundraising ideas we have gotten from other adoptive families along this journey.  They have some wonderful insight and have helped lead us in very helpful ways, along with giving us the positive support we need to persevere through some of the battles.

-We are so very thankful to be able to close our silent auction with overwhelmingly excited/happy/surprised/thankful/grateful/amazed hearts.  Through your support, by donating, bidding, buying, and sharing, we were able to raise $1,537.31 through our silent auction and eBay sales.  That is an unbelievable blessing, and will help cover the rest of our 2nd agency installment fee and all of our CIS immigration fees (both of which will be paid for once our 4th interview takes place).  Can you believe that??? 

So, in summary....

YOU DA BOMB.  and we are thankful.

Bidding for Bulgaria - Adoption Silent Auction

Our online silent auction is getting set-up, priced, and organized!  Hope you guys are excited to see what sweet things you can bid on!


                  11:59pm March 5 - 11:59pm March 16


The online auction will be hosted by FaceBook - it's easily accessible by many, easy to bid, and easy to see what we've got!  If you do not have FB, you can comment here (after we post photos) and we will bid on your behalf!

We will post the photos on the blog AND on the silent auction album.  Bidding is so simple - just comment how much you are bidding!  That's it!  Bids will show up in chronological order, plus it's easy to see who has the winning bid.

Winning bid will be the highest bid as of 11:59pm, March 16 (Sunday).  We will post who the winners are on each photo.

***Some donated items are too big to ship.  Therefore, some items will be marked as local pick-up only.  Please keep that in mind if you are an out-of-town bidder. 

Payment must be received before the product is sent out.  Most products will be sent from the donors themselves, with a few exceptions where we will be shipping items out on behalf of donors.

Payment options:
       Check & Cash are the best options.  We will provide an address for those interested in paying with this method.
       If you wish to pay online with PayPal - to make up for what PayPal takes out for their own fees, we ask that you add 3% to your winning bid.


*We want to extend a HUGE thank you to those who have already participated in our silent auction by sacrificially donating!  We are so blessed by your generosity and would not be able to walk this journey without you!*

Goat Milk Soap

Come one, come all!

We just got our soap shipment in yesterday!  I can't believe how amazing my house smells.  I'm not one to typically ooh & ahh over bath products, but these soaps have completely turned me!

We have partnered up with Goat Milk Stuff, out of Indiana, to sell these awesome bars of soap as a fundraiser for our adoption.  It is such a great family business, and I love supporting local work.

A little about Goat Milk Stuff...

The all-natural goat milk, from their own farm raised Alpine dairy goats, provides moisturizing and healthy benefits to all skin types.  It's a long lasting product that has provided amazing quality for all their customers.  If you read the testimonies and reviews on these soaps online, tons of people with skin issues (dry skin, eczema, psoriasis, acne, rosacea, sensitive skin, etc) have said that these soaps have provided them the first relief they've had in years.  Plus, I can attest to the wonderful smells of each of them!  Plus, these are amazing for babies.

We are selling each bar for $7 (if you can do a local pick-up), $8.50 if you need it shipped (multiple bars shipped will have a discounted shipping cost - just message us first).  I've listed the bars we have below, with a little description of what's in each.  We only have a certain amount of bars, so get yours today!  We are getting about 55% of each bar back to our adoption fund (we have to cover shipping costs, which is why it's an "about") - that is seriously an amazing fundraiser!  We LOVE Goat Milk Stuff!

Testimonials: http://www.goatmilkstuff.com/Goat-Milk-Soap-Testimonials.html


(All these pictures I took myself - color unaltered)

See!! Such cute packaging!

 Lavender: Made with lavender essential oils.
SOLD OUT

 Honeysuckle: Honeysuckle, with a hint of jasmine.
SOLD OUT

Luv Spell: Victoria Secret scent-a-like.  Floral & citrus goodness.
SOLD OUT

Ocean: clean scent; smells like there is a hint of cologne
SOLD OUT

Oatmeal, Milk, & Honey: beautiful smell; can definitely pick out the sweet honey scent
SOLD OUT

Nautical: a soft, manly scent
SOLD OUT

Black Raspberry: black raspberry scent, with a hint of vanilla
SOLD OUT

Clean Cotton: smells like a dryer. ah-mazing.
SOLD OUT

Pink Sugary: the vanilla is what turns the bar brown instead of pink
SOLD OUT

Purity: unscented
SOLD OUT

Orphan Sunday 2013

Tomorrow is Orphan Sunday.  So many words, so many emotions, are associated with the thought of tomorrow.  For me, orphan sunday is like any other day, because everyday is orphan day.  The day after will be orphan monday, and the day after that will be orphan tuesday, and so on.  But, orphan sunday is a little more special.  More churches, more organizations, and more people will be talking about the kids who don't get tucked in at night, the kids that had to grow up too fast, and the kids that have lost hope.  Tomorrow is a peak within the movement.

Orphan Sunday is a beautiful thing.  It encourages others to talk about the orphan care movement, to see the faces of those left in institutions and foster care, and to open their hearts to something new.  Tomorrow will allow people to see the hope found in Jesus Christ.  So, whether you go to church, sit in your room, watch tv, or sleep in tomorrow, I pray that you open your heart a little more than normal.  Jesus can do some remarkable things... who knows - maybe you'll even get the "adoption bug".

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"Orphan Sunday calls people to boldly turn their hearts to children who are often forgotten: America's foster children, who are dismissed as 'unadoptable' because they are over a desired age, or the 'unseen' orphans in third world countries. Orphan Sunday acknowledges the needs of these children, and launches a tangible hope that stretches far beyond the scope of our reach." 

-Vanessa Vasquez

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Sunday, November 3 will not be a typical Sunday. Orphan Sunday is a very profound demonstration to the world about who the church of Jesus Christ is. And it’s happening among thousands of congregations around the world as they all focus on God the Father’s heart for, and work on behalf of, the world’s fatherless.
Prayers go up, people are sent out, and orphans are brought into families.

Faith in Jesus is more than a belief

Faith in Jesus is a belief that is like believing in the existence of a loved one. You don’t just say, “I believe my wife exists,” and that be that. Instead, you demonstrate it by talking with her and learning what her desires are and then serving her in those.
Orphan Sunday is a clear demonstration that we know our God and care about what He cares about by caring for orphans and vulnerable kids.

Our Father is good

Orphan Sunday sheds a public light on the inner life of the church. No one in the church is a disinterested bystander in the cause of the fatherless, since every one of us was rescued by God the Father and brought into His family through Jesus. When we get together to focus on that, we remind ourselves and those around us that our Father is good.’

The Holy Spirit is building a family

Through biblical teaching on Orphan Sunday, there will undoubtedly be many who are moved by the Father’s goodness to faith in Jesus. Others will be moved to take steps toward adoption, foster care, or child sponsorship. All will clearly see the big story through the Bible is about the Holy Spirit turning people into God’s children as hearts cry, “Abba, Father!”

The gospel is a message of hope for all creation

Everyone knows the world is messed up. We see it in the news, we smell it in the pollution, we feel it when we experience tragedy. No one is immune from the world’s brokenness.
Orphan Sunday is just another opportunity to share the gospel’s message of hope for all creation. This is a truth that sticks out in Romans 8:21,”Creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.” Speak out on November 3 that there is a future hope for the whole world and its found in Jesus Christ.

-Global Fingerprints

Big Heart

Our family has been so blessed by the most precious little girl.  Her birthday is today and, instead of gifts, she has selflessly asked for donations for our adoption fund instead.  We are so thankful for her willingness to help our family grow!

It's amazing how God works.  She is so beautiful, inside and out.  When I was her age, I would never have thought to do this for someone else.  I hope that we can raise our child to love like she loves.  

A beautiful example of Christ's love for His children.

We are forever grateful for you, Kyah.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Home Study: Part 1

Sorry we haven't posted in quite some time!  There are points within the adoption process where we're just doing paperwork (lots and lots of it!) and that's not very exciting to read about :)

But today was a big day!  Our social worker, the lovely Sarah, came over today to do our home tour and the first interview of our home study.  I had been nervous about this meeting all week long!  Since we had never gone through a home study before, I wasn't sure what to expect, so, we made sure to cover all our bases.  Last week, we developed a cleaning schedule so that we could tackle the task of cleaning our house in a less overwhelming way.  So, everyday, we cleaned/organized/weeded-out a different part of our home.  That made the entire process less daunting.

We also did lots of paperwork/answering questions to prepare for the interview portion of today's meeting.  Hours and hours of answering questions like "What memories do you have of your mother from your childhood?" to "If the adopted child is of a different race, will you try and persuade them to date a person of your race/culture when the time comes?" to "What are areas of growth within your marriage?".  All these questions deserved lengthy responses, and therefore required a lengthy amount of time.

ANYWAYS - today went much better than my pessimistic mind was anticipating.  Our pup, who is much bigger than his age makes you believe (7months old at 90lbs and still growing....) is an intimidating sight for a non-dog lover.  But he did great, and she loves dogs - Ammo didn't tackle her and Sarah loved him. 

She came in, asked us lots of questions about our marriage, how we handle disagreements, good/bad memories within our marriage, etc.  We chatted about how we've grown together, what we love about eachother, what we do in our free time, and how excited we are to jump into parenting!  She's so easy to talk to (I probably talked her ear off!) and she is super relatable, making you feel like even the most awkward questions are harmless.  She helped make a daunting amount of personal questions and concerns seem like a cake walk.

Then, she walked through our home.  We have enough rooms to be considered for 1 (or 2) adopted children; our chemicals/medication/knives were secured with locks and child-proofing technology; our firearms were locked with ammunition locked up in a different location; we have a fire extinguisher; we have smoke detectors in the perfect places; and our backyard is awesome... seriously.  So, all of our planning and methodical preparation paid off - we have no alterations to do on our home for her next visit! Home tour: COMPLETE.

Now that the big walk-through and first interview is over, we have quite a few things to accomplish within the next few weeks.  Adoption is never boring! - we always have things to do, papers to sign, or people to see.  So, we will be getting copies of all types of marital/financial/personal paperwork to her (including Ammo's rabies vaccination).  We will be working on more paperwork that we need to finish before the next meeting.  We need to create a will, and begin our "education".  We have classes (a 2 day workshop in November), a book to read, plus parenting/adoption videos (over 10 hours) that we will be watching/participating in.  We will get certifications that they will include in our home study.  Some of these educational videos/meetings are required by our agency, some are required by Bulgaria.  Either way- there is a lot to do!

So, we will be very busy within the next few weeks, paper pushing and video watching.  We applied for our first grant today, and will hear about that in January.  We did learn recently that Bulgaria does not have any children on their "waiting children" list that meets our requests.  Although that was hard to hear, and slightly disheartening, we are trusting in the Lord and thankful that He walks with us through the battles.  Even when we are overwhelmed, He is taking our worries and blessing us in ways we couldn't even imagine.  Even when we are told "no", He tells us to be patient.  Even when the paper pile seems to grow with every passing moment, He tells us to be persistent.  He knows our struggles, and He knows our pain.  He knows our hearts and guides our ways.  If I've learned anything through this process, it's that adoption isn't easy.  And that, when Christ died on the cross for us and we were adopted into His family, that wasn't easy.  Adoption takes sacrifice, and Christ was sacrificed for us.  But now we have a family.  We have a Father that listens to us when we're hurting, gives us grace when we do wrong, and loves us til the end of time.  The Bible provides us with the most difficult, yet, most beautiful adoption story of all time.  And even though it wasn't easy, it was oh so worth it. 

And even though things are hard, it will be oh so worth it.  Thankful for an example to guide us, thankful for a Lord that listens, and thankful for blessings in disguise.