I've been sitting on this blog post for a few weeks, unsure where to begin and having no clue how to make my feelings positive and glorifying. I've been so bitter, angry, torn, and a thousand forms of devastated these last few weeks that I just wanted to keep those unattractive feelings to myself. Sometimes, it doesn't seem very pretty to be that real. I wanted to deliver a form of myself that was so optimistic and sure, that I would have been lying to everyone.
We got the call weeks ago. Well, really it started with an email from our social worker. It might as well have read "we need to talk" because it's intentions to deliver less than satisfying news was more than obvious. The email was delivered on Monday, but the call wasn't until Thursday. Talk about 4 days of self-agnozing torture! I tried to convince myself that the news was actually going to be good, maybe even great. But, my natural pessimitic tendencies left me nervous, confused, and scared.
The call came at 3:30pm on Thursday afternoon. Ryan was still at work and I was just getting off, so our social worker and Bulgarian point person had to conference us in separately. I so wish I could have made this call looking at his face - it would have helped me stay calm. But, alas, I was in my car, alone.
Basically, to turn a 45 minute phone call into a reasonable post, here's the gist - our adoption has been put on hold until February.
After some questions, pleading, emails, and tears, we've accepted that there is nothing we can do about it. We shared our concerns, and asked for a list of theirs. We researched and we prayed. I can honestly tell you I am still not completely at peace with their decision - I don't know if I ever will be. But, what I have learned is that adoption takes a whole lot more trust that I expected. It takes more blind leaps of faith than I ever thought I would have to jump.
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I was angry, and I was confused. I was shocked, and I was devastated. I honestly felt as if I had just lost a child. You are asked to invest everything into the thoughts of a child you've never met. You follow the rules, the protocal, the guidelines. You keep up with the fees, the interviews, the classes, and the paperwork. You start imagining life with this child without a face. I had even found, through other contacts, children (yes - a sibling group!) that I wanted to inquire about. That didn't help... I just kept seeing their faces.
Your heart gives them a name, though your mouth doesn't know it. Your house becomes their home. You've already become their parents, in the most figurative sense. And then, people make a decision for your family that tells you to just stop. When you are running full speed ahead, and then someone puts on the brakes, it's a little tough to recover. It broke (and still breaks) my heart to imagine our child having to sit in an orphange for a day, let alone 9 months more. The horribly long timeline just got lengthier and there's nothing you can do between now and then to speed it up. You are told to just wait.
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Well, there's the super raw and vulnerable "4 weeks ago" me. That "me" sometimes comes to visit, but I try to encourage her to move along quickly. She's not very good for team morale.
I really didn't think I would ever want to write this blog. Even though I know you deserve to know (after all, you're our village!), but there's always a part of everyone that never wants to share the broken pieces. I didn't want to share that our beautiful adoption story took an unwanted and unplanned turn. I didn't want to share that I was angry. I didn't want to share that I was mad at God and felt like He was making a mistake. I didn't want to share that I was selfishly worried more about my image than I wanted to admit.
But, in all my broken pieces and all my fallen tears, in feeling the loss of a child I don't yet know, God is starting to make me whole again. I mean, who can be put back together by the grace of God if you haven't been torn apart? If you haven't sunk to the depths of your own selfish desires and unwanted emotions, how do you ever know that you need to be built back up?
At church this week, Kyle (yes, KYLE!) reminded me of a verse that pretty much sums it up.
But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the
potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.
- Jeremiah 18:4
My plans were perfect. I mean, aren't they always? ha. But, when those plans are haulted and put on hold, I broke. My pot was marred, and so was I. Couldn't make anything pretty out of me - that's nearly impossible with all the anger I was flinging. I mean, you read how I felt! Talk about positive thinking...
But, my potter is making it new. Although I can't see what it'll look like yet, or how long it'll take to finish, I know it will be beautiful. I know our story and our family are being made new. Through that redemption will emerge a family, stitched together while living worlds apart. God is preparing our hearts and our home for another member in the next coming years. With our eyes on Him and our slew of broken pieces, our story will be exactly as it should.
And now, I can honestly tell you I am being put back together. I still have my sad days where I wish I was dealing with paperwork and immigration fees, but they're very much outnumbered by the brighter days. I still don't understand, but that's okay. I honestly believe that the agency made the best choice for our family with the information they possessed. I am trusting, trusting, trusting in the Lord's timing, since it's obviously not what I thought it would be. I'm praying that He prepare our child's heart for us and that He mold us into their parents while we wait. For, in the broken silence, we are being made new.
So, we are just living life as we wait. We are preparing our home and our hearts for our first biological child, due in August, as we continue to wait for the green light to move ahead with our adoption. We have one more interview (and a few details that we'll have to re-do in February) before we can send our paperwork to the Ministry of Justice in Bulgaria. We are so excited to get back up and running - we've been in the adoption process for almost a year, so it seems unnatural to be waiting by! We are so thankful that we are being blessed with 2 children who will each have their own story to share. We are so excited to be building our family, and so thankful that the Lord is guiding our steps. Be ready to hear more in February as we start up our process again! We can't wait to update you on how things are going next winter/spring. Thank you for being our village and for embarking on our adoption journey with us. Thank you for being patient with us and for supporting us through the twists and turns of the unknown. Your love and prayers are such a blessing to us!
