So many feelings have surfaced over these past several days, for each of us. Well, except for Jack. He's just happy & fat.
Ana has struggled with the new transition. When Jack was born, her entrance into sisterhood was seamless. They both acted as if each of them had been there each day of each other's lives. With Niko joining our family, she did not transition as well. She did not want to share - I mean, she is newly 2, so that isn't a shocker. But now, she has to share with this boy who doesn't ever seem to go away. We had been talking about Niko for months, which definitely helped, but that only took the edge off. This new brother doesn't play, and no matter how many times we tell her that he doesn't know how to play with her, she just doesn't get it. He doesn't walk by himself, so mama and/or daddy has to hold him. He won't feed himself, so mama and/or daddy has to feed him. My sweet girl has grown up a lot since we picked Niko up on August 22. She now feeds herself for every meal, walks almost everywhere on her own, and constantly helps mama take care of the boys. She also "falls" more often, needs more kisses, won't stay in bed hoping that one of us will come in and sleep with her, and has many more opinions than before. But that's all okay - she's growing, blossoming really, into the most beautiful big little sister ever.
Ry is doing great, despite his exhaustion. He's bonding with Niko is a similar way he bonded with the other 2 - through time & play. Work is manageable, and he studies for his professional engineering exam at night once the kiddos are asleep. He is wonderful, strong, energetic, and patient beyond words.
I have had my own internal battles, that I'm slowly starting to overcome. Adoption is so different than giving birth, even if you think and prepare practically all the same. When you have a baby, you are automatically bonded to them, via hormones, 9 months of sacrifice, and plain ol' hard work. They are yours, and you are theirs, and there is no one that would argue otherwise. It's obvious, beautiful, and a forever kind of obsessive love. Adoption doesn't feel that way, or at least it didn't for me. Niko doesn't smell like my other kids - for someone who hasn't brushed their teeth in 3 years and who has "orphanage" working its' way out of his body, he just smells, well, weird. It's primitive, but this mama bear has a baby who doesn't smell like her babies. His needs are greater than I expected, even with 3 years of preparation and training, and that is overwhelming. He's growing, but his health is a mystery. Our hospital appointment is looming, and the days are so flooded with mealtimes and naptime.
BUT. The Lord provides, and the Lord gives peace. He has been answering my prayers so steadfastly throughout this past month. When I can't imagine how I'm enough, He encourages me. When I'm overwhelmed and exhausted, because the baby won't sleep at night and the new one won't sleep during the day and the crazy girl fights me on every stance, the Lord gives me strength and patience that can truly only be a gift from above. When I'm sitting there, holding a spoon to the mouth of a 3 year old (who has the waist of a 3 month old) for 45 minutes because he sees food and yet is afraid not to eat, and my frustration is building at the rate of the depletion of my sleep bank, the Lord gives me a wisdom that helps me peer into the brain of a child filled with past trauma. The Lord is holding my hand and taking me one step at a time through this wonderful journey.
Our boy is growing, and has grown 2 lbs since the orphanage director weighed him at the beginning of August. He is slowly learning how to play with his little sister - he even tried to imitate her jumping on the trampoline today. He is learning that water is nothing to fear, and that food will always be available. He's learning that we will always be there when he wakes up, and that he can always count on the consistency of our love.
I'm learning that feeling weird is okay. I'm learning that feeling frustrated when all I want to do is feed him, but he won't eat, is okay. Things just take time. I'm learning that, sometimes, even if love grows slowly with each passing day, that doesn't mean it's not there. And that doesn't mean I'm a bad mama. It just means things are different, and this sweet little boy is a gift that I have to open at a pace that works for us. I'm learning that my Niko is special, and my bond to him is special - it's not based on hormones, or the fact that we spent every second together for 9 months. It's based on growth, time, consistency, effort, and a whole lot of faith. Thank you, Lord, for choosing Niko for us. He's a perfect fit in our family, and we can't wait to see him grow into the man you know him to be.
Wednesday is the 4 hour hospital clinic appointment. He will be scared, confused, and super super nervous. Please pray for Niko's bravery and strength.
Thanks for loving us, friends.
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